Today I got shat on. Twice. Not metaphorically. First by the 12 day old. He tricked me by peeing on me first, which made me lower my guard, then he let me have it with a stream of the stuff. We were on the sofa. It’s dark grey so fluorescent yellow shit shows up pretty well. On my dark jeans too actually. I won’t bother washing them though. Later the 2 year old shat in the bath – right at the end just before gillin out. I tried to smash it down the plug hole with the shower on full but it wouldn’t budge. After stories and songs I went back and fished it out and dropped it in the bog. You know when people say ‘whaddya want – a medal?’ Well yeah I feel like I pretty much deserved one.

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